"Daily Variety" jarg is tots crap

At what point does a publication think that its so completely hip and only read by the coolest of the ice-cold that it can decide all standard English words over two syllables can be abbreviated into a one syllable word? Hollywood's coveted news trade paper The Daily Variety has a jargon that caters to the fad obsessed.
Lets get right into it. Here's a list of words that Variety deems "if you aren't in the BIZ, then you wouldn't understand anyway so we're going to put it in cool Hollywood agent code" and have me considering shoving a rusty coat-hanger down my urethra:

'Par' = Paramount
'Uni' = Universal
'biz' = describes the line of work for which you aren't good looking enough and should have gotten a degree in something real
'prod'n' = production (its harder to abbreviate and think about that damn apostrophe. Trust me, as an O'Brien I know this)
'preem' = premiere
'sesh' = session
'spec' = speculative or speculatory
'pic' = motion picture
'spesh' = special ... as in Stephen Colbert's Christamas Spesh (ouch, coat-hanger went too deep there) although I think a "Hey Variety you are very spesh, and I mean you ride the short bus to the studio, spesh" is a more APT use use of the word.

Some of these words like 'sesh' or 'pic' can be comfortable (or 'comf') in your everyday vocabulary even though you aren't a Hollywood wannabe elite, well you are wrong. If you give an inch, they'll take a kilom. I am guilty of having fun with lexicon and shortening words with friends to make silly new slang for ourselves. My favorite is blending two words into one new ridiculous sounding but obvious in roots word. But then again, I'm not a [non] respected publication. I'm a twentysomething douche bag that won't take it any longer. I will fear and respect the language handed down to me from those Anglo tea and crumpet eating Merlin worshippers.

Variety thinks that if they can get away with simple everyday words then why not abbreviate long, boring, hard to pronounce, "I don't have enough time in my day because I'm so fucking busy talking about famous people I don't personally know" words like 'preem' and 'Uni'. This is the definition of Orwellian double speak. It's evil, it's corrupt and its so fucking yuppy.

And lets not forget the audience. When I read it and I come across a new trendy Hollywood buzzword, I ponder what it is then I keep reading. Who out there first reads the word 'spesh' and 'sesh' and keeps on reading because those are words they often see in print. I might say them, but I've never thought about seeing it in print. I like the sound of Prince, but I don't like looking at him. I beg of you brave trade paper readers out there to never become complacent in this Orwellian manifest destiney on our diction. Read the word and scoff because unlike those that write Variety, you have no intention of remaking the sequel to "English: Suck my Lang". Damn you Hollywood. Dmn u.

Urinal Bugs: Drown that fly!

At my last job, every time I took a leak I'd return my desk and my knees felt cold. It felt like my knees were right in front of an AC unit. A little chilly.
I finally made the conclusion that I was using the world's most poorly designed urinal and the splash back was going onto my knees. Not making them wet, but damp enough to feel like they were cooling off. And I thought "shouldn't there be a 'sweet spot' that would eliminate this hygene/cosmetic problem?" Surely enough I began to spot these:
Notice that little fly painted to the porcelin? Well it might as well be a bullseye because what I thought was a viral marketing ploy in men's bathroom for Jerry Sienfeld's "BEE MOVIE" was actually a target to avoid maximum piss splash-back! The world's greatest scientists researched where men should pee to minimize splashing and painted a little fly there for target practice - Genius!

Men are easy to please. Two guys could be stranded in the desert and immediately a game of "who can toss the rock closest to the cactus" begins. Other male-time-eaters include "throw the tennis ball at the wall" and "toss the paper into the trash can" or "shoot the rubber band into the envelope". Basically, all the male species needs is something to aim at. And what better way to pass time in my favorite passtime than to elimate upon a target, or "drown the annoying insect with hot fluid". Many probably assume its a trademark, but few realize that the distributers of urinals finally found a simple and fun solution to damp dress pants everywhere.

Next time you are at the urinal, step up to the plate and show that fly whose boss!

OBAMA!!!!

I was near tears when CNN announced that Obama had won the Presidential race. There was a warm blanket wave of emotion over me that "everything is going to be OK". Finally, the US will go in a fresh direction. The world agrees and I think they respect our nation's democracy and system of self correction. Here's what I want to see from him now:

1) Economic clean up - The biggest issue is leading the world out of this recession. He needs to reform Wall Street and implement checks and balances in a smart manner.

2) End Wars - bring our troops back, finish off Al Qaeda in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Shut down Gitmo and lead the United States into promoters of peace and begin dismanteling the notion that we will forever be a military industrial complex.

3) Health Care - fix it. Its been too long and you've made serious promises. You've got enough of congress to back you to make even larger reforms than you proposed in the campaign. Universal health care should be a responsibility of the government to provide. The rest of the world has learned this, now we should too.

Also, please start declaring "God Bless America, God Bless the World". I think its time we have our president ackowledge that we stand with Earth. More on that later.

Desperate Report

Matt Drudge is a muckraker. I commend him for exposing corruption and setting the discussion for America from his couch in his underwear. He is the American dream. But it's hard for me to stomach his last ditch efforts to have Obama lose by constantly headlining "Obama said the word 'socialist' 20 years ago" or "Joe Biden fails miserably on Florida interview"

He misleads and distracts. He is not muckraking; Matt Drudge is the muck. Stop with the bullshit and come back from the dark side. We know you are Republican but we also know you are smart enough to have some taste. In the above headline currently pooping on Drudge's site, he displays his zero hour, last day of campaign tactic: Obama scratched his face and it looks like a middle finger!! If Obama and the world and our future lose because he scratched his face...

Dog's Best Friend

I know they say dogs are man's best friend but I'm starting to think it's the other way around. I provide him with food, shelter, play, exercise, affection, baths, toys, etc. His existence is bound to my own. So I think technically he's getting the better end of this friendship. I can always go play with my human friends or sit on the couch and pet my girlfriend, but he needs his best friend to live.

Over the last year my dog Spartacus has become very skiddish and lacks confidence. Since he was a puppy he was the alpha dog and I was his pack leader. He spent some time at my parents home with other dogs but was always confident, social, and friendly. I moved to LA after college graduation in 2007 and lived in a big house with 2 other dogs. Spartacus was no longer the alpha dog and because I was working full time (for the first time in his life) he lost full sense of who his pack leader was. Was it the older male dog that beat him up? Was it those dogs' owner? Was it other roomates that scolded him? I believe this caused massive confusion and after a few months living there he began major submissive behavoir towards me.

I would walk through the front door after work and he'd shake and pee when I touched him. I coax him into coming to my bedroom to sleep and he'd tuck his ears back, roll on his back and pee on himself in complete submission. I felt horrible because Spartacus seemed traumatized and as his owner, I had failed on some level.

We finally moved out of that house and live on the beach. Spartacus spends his days gazing upon the Pacific and bird watching. He is the only dog and its very clear I'm his pack leader. He seldom socializes with other dogs and when strangers come by, he gets very spooked when they reach to pet him. He panics as if they are grabbing his collar and he warns them with a snap, a snap out of self defense but otherwise a liability and anti-social behavior.

I'm his best friend, and he is mine and I will do whatever I can to build his confidence and make him confortable. Off to the dog park!

ENOUGH!!

"The times they are a changing" - Bob Dylan

I Demand to See the Oracle!

7 more days until the election.
I think everyone in the country is sick of this. The smears, the stump speeches, the non-issue news, the hype. A country can only take so much of it. But what is going to be news when the dust settles? How am I going to sleep like a baby without the insistent whispers of fear and hope on perpetual loop playing on my radio, internet, TV, coffee shops, newspaper... wait no one reads newspapers. If I were in ancient Greece or living in a plasma cocoon being harvested for robots while my brain was plugged into a virtual simulation of the 90's with my friend Keanu Reeves, I'd go see the Oracle. In fact, I did visit her and here are some headlines she told me I could expect, after the pic:

"Pumpkin claims 'trick-or-treaters' carved backwards 'B' into face after noticing McCain/Palin sign in yard" - Drudge Report, 11/1/2008

"California Prop. 8 gets a 'NO' - Lohan sets wedding date" - LA Times, 11/5/2008

"We have a black president!?!" - Chris Rock, 11/6/2008
"We have a black president?!?" - John McCain 11/5/2008

"Rogue Chicken Terrorizes Supermarket" - Tucson Arizona Daily Star, 11/9/2008

"Remember Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Obama's connection to radical Islam?" - FOXnews, 6/24/2010

"Studio closes deal for Palin afternoon talk show 'Palling with Palin'" - Variety 12/10/2008

"Comedian suicide rate increases over lack of fodder with new President" - The Onion 3/30/2009

"We've landed on Mars! That's great!" - 9/29/2012