"Daily Variety" jarg is tots crap

At what point does a publication think that its so completely hip and only read by the coolest of the ice-cold that it can decide all standard English words over two syllables can be abbreviated into a one syllable word? Hollywood's coveted news trade paper The Daily Variety has a jargon that caters to the fad obsessed.
Lets get right into it. Here's a list of words that Variety deems "if you aren't in the BIZ, then you wouldn't understand anyway so we're going to put it in cool Hollywood agent code" and have me considering shoving a rusty coat-hanger down my urethra:

'Par' = Paramount
'Uni' = Universal
'biz' = describes the line of work for which you aren't good looking enough and should have gotten a degree in something real
'prod'n' = production (its harder to abbreviate and think about that damn apostrophe. Trust me, as an O'Brien I know this)
'preem' = premiere
'sesh' = session
'spec' = speculative or speculatory
'pic' = motion picture
'spesh' = special ... as in Stephen Colbert's Christamas Spesh (ouch, coat-hanger went too deep there) although I think a "Hey Variety you are very spesh, and I mean you ride the short bus to the studio, spesh" is a more APT use use of the word.

Some of these words like 'sesh' or 'pic' can be comfortable (or 'comf') in your everyday vocabulary even though you aren't a Hollywood wannabe elite, well you are wrong. If you give an inch, they'll take a kilom. I am guilty of having fun with lexicon and shortening words with friends to make silly new slang for ourselves. My favorite is blending two words into one new ridiculous sounding but obvious in roots word. But then again, I'm not a [non] respected publication. I'm a twentysomething douche bag that won't take it any longer. I will fear and respect the language handed down to me from those Anglo tea and crumpet eating Merlin worshippers.

Variety thinks that if they can get away with simple everyday words then why not abbreviate long, boring, hard to pronounce, "I don't have enough time in my day because I'm so fucking busy talking about famous people I don't personally know" words like 'preem' and 'Uni'. This is the definition of Orwellian double speak. It's evil, it's corrupt and its so fucking yuppy.

And lets not forget the audience. When I read it and I come across a new trendy Hollywood buzzword, I ponder what it is then I keep reading. Who out there first reads the word 'spesh' and 'sesh' and keeps on reading because those are words they often see in print. I might say them, but I've never thought about seeing it in print. I like the sound of Prince, but I don't like looking at him. I beg of you brave trade paper readers out there to never become complacent in this Orwellian manifest destiney on our diction. Read the word and scoff because unlike those that write Variety, you have no intention of remaking the sequel to "English: Suck my Lang". Damn you Hollywood. Dmn u.

Urinal Bugs: Drown that fly!

At my last job, every time I took a leak I'd return my desk and my knees felt cold. It felt like my knees were right in front of an AC unit. A little chilly.
I finally made the conclusion that I was using the world's most poorly designed urinal and the splash back was going onto my knees. Not making them wet, but damp enough to feel like they were cooling off. And I thought "shouldn't there be a 'sweet spot' that would eliminate this hygene/cosmetic problem?" Surely enough I began to spot these:
Notice that little fly painted to the porcelin? Well it might as well be a bullseye because what I thought was a viral marketing ploy in men's bathroom for Jerry Sienfeld's "BEE MOVIE" was actually a target to avoid maximum piss splash-back! The world's greatest scientists researched where men should pee to minimize splashing and painted a little fly there for target practice - Genius!

Men are easy to please. Two guys could be stranded in the desert and immediately a game of "who can toss the rock closest to the cactus" begins. Other male-time-eaters include "throw the tennis ball at the wall" and "toss the paper into the trash can" or "shoot the rubber band into the envelope". Basically, all the male species needs is something to aim at. And what better way to pass time in my favorite passtime than to elimate upon a target, or "drown the annoying insect with hot fluid". Many probably assume its a trademark, but few realize that the distributers of urinals finally found a simple and fun solution to damp dress pants everywhere.

Next time you are at the urinal, step up to the plate and show that fly whose boss!